I feel like I am failing.
Failing myself.
My husband.
And my two sweet boys.
I have always dreamed of being a mom and often times wondered what kind of mom I would be before these two beautiful boys came into my life.
I am so sad that I am failing my boys and cannot be the mom I envisioned.
I am so frazzled and fighting so hard with myself to keep everything straight and managed. Today I showed up for an appointment that isn’t scheduled until tomorrow. Both boys were so upset that I made this mistake and Connor even called me a liar.
I am constantly loosing my patience with our insurance company and the billing woman from Connor’s therapy clinic. I am fighting so hard to get my son the therapies that he needs, that I end up turning into Super Bitch and the least favorite parent to work with.
I have so much guilt when I think about the amount of time I spend with Noah actually playing or interacting, not just dragging him around to all of Connor’s appointments. Will he resent all of the time we had to spend on Connor every day? Will he know that I love him just as much as his brother? Will he know that if there were EVER anything that he needed, I would fight just as hard?
I fear that I am exposing Connor to too many doctors. But he really is so complex. Sensory issues and extreme fine motor delay (occupation therapy) gross motor delay and muscle weakness (physical therapy) articulation errors in his speech and feeding issues (speech therapy) Charcot Marie Tooth 2M (Neurology, genetics, eye doctor) Chiari Malformation (neurosurgeon) behavior concerns (several developmental pediatricians and a child psychologist). That seems like way too many doctors or specialties for a 5 year old to visit regularly.
I fear that not getting Connor help from these doctors will have a negative affect on his ability to make and keep friends. I fear that if we do not see these doctors that he will become depressed and even angrier.
I have become a terrible friend. I even lost a friend last year (a friend of over 20 years) because I couldn’t find time in my schedule to reach out to her. I’m also a crappy family member. I isolate myself because often times it is just plain easier to stay home than it is to go out in public or be at a play date or birthday party. Connor’s moods shift so quickly and for unexpected reasons and I would rather deal with the mood changes and meltdowns in the privacy of our own home. It’s just easier. But it’s also really, really lonely.
My husband is always so supportive and I think I take advantage of that. If I have had a hard day, I go to bed at 730 instead of spending time with him in the evening. I wonder when he will start to resent me for this chronic fatigue.
I’m not really sure why I wanted to post this…maybe to look back on a year from now and see how far we have come (hopefully?). Maybe I just needed to get it all out and have a good ol’ ugly cry and move on. Maybe I just want someone to know how hard this all is. I don’t know why. But, here it is…
Naely my heart aches reading this. While I cannot relate to the medical struggles you have going on specifically I can relate in many ways. I think all mom’s feel this feeling of failure but it is a lie.
You are not terrible you are awesome. Your sons will be strong because they have strong parents. The tiredness you feel is proof that you’re working hard. Your boys will grow up respecting and loving each other. Noah will advocate for his brother because you have shown him how.
Your concerns will never go away but you need to drop them in to God’s hands and trust that he’s got this. He’s got Connor. He has him physically, he knows what relationships will benefit him most and he will protect him. He’s got Noah and will guide him in this life of supporting his family and knowing he too is supported. He’s got your marriage and knows you are a couple that loves him and will continually bless your marriage. He’s got you and will never give you more than you can handle. He won’t let you fail because in Christ that is impossible.
I think you needed to write this post to get out these feelings for what they are. Honest and painful. Drop them here so others can see your struggle and be inspired to push on. Then yes in a year from now you can look back and see where God has carried you. Search for those blessings when you feel down. Track every one even if it seems like nothing at the time. When you look back you’ll see all of those breadcrumbs and know.
I hear ya and am right there with ya. Well not “with you”…with you” cuz we cant get outta the house but like isolated in my own lonliness with my speacial kids. 🙂 I wish you could see you how I see you, and God. He says well done my good and faithful servant. Our kids are very rare and I believe one of the reasons is there aren’t many people that God can entrust with all of this. He gives the biggest battles to his strongest warriors. I pray that you fix your eyes on Him- like deadlock like how a sniper would watch a target. And in that position may all the lies ne silences and may your heart be knit to that of His. Love you.
Thanks for posting your thoughts and frustrations Renae. I can only imagine how challenging things can get. my hope and suggestion for you is to take the difficult step of divorcing your personal value with events or outcomes that occur in life. Its quite common for people to equate how much value they have or how successful they are based on materials and events. In this case you are conflating how your kids are doing with your value as a mother, wife, and person. This is inherently false. Ultimately if youre doing the best you can, learning from your mistakes, and communicating appropriately with your loved ones; thats all any human being is capable of doing. One day Noah may win a nobel prize or Connor might become a billionaire. That would not make you a more valuable mother than those whose kids did not. Conversely if noah or connor end up going down an unhealthy path or making poor decisions; that also doesnt inherently make you less valuable or a failure of a mother; especially if you truly did your best in raising them with love and teaching them to make good decisions. As you go through challenging times I implore you to communicate the situation with Abe, and come up with a plan on how to best address it. You seem absolutely right about the fact that Connor is seeing way too many doctors and therapists. Abe, you, and Connor’s care providers need to communicate and prioritize whats most important, and what could be put on hold or on the backburners for now. if you’re in a situation where you cant be two places at once it may be time to consider getting a nanny or babysitter. the point is that we all just want whats best for the kids and you and abe. Part of loving other people includes learning to love yourself; including not unfairly judging yourself. let me know how things go. i’m only a phone call away if you need anything.